The Holidays, the worst (guilty)

When I state that the holidays are the worst I am strictly referring diets during the holidays. We all know.that everything else during the holidays are sweet. I mean presents, money, family, and of course the devils tool, food. The food that is associated with the holidays is extremely unhealthy. I'm black or African American, however you'd like to put it, and the food associated with that is greasy and fattening and if you are me, particularly good. I often find myself dreaming over that food waiting for the holidays to arrive. Not really. But when they are here I indulge, some might say over induldge. It is so very hard to resist temptation. I feel like I talk about that frequently.

Anyway, the holidays suck when trying to lose weight. I mean I am besides myself. I mean you would know why if I had the decency to update. I guess I just feel guilty because I haven't worked out in a week. Due to sickness and partying one caused by the other. This post should be titled "guilty" because obviously that's why I made it.  In 2013 I plan to write more and finish all of the updates which I have started but stop due to an extreme addiction to porn.

The Plan

Naturally, like my true self I have procrastinated on yet another thing. This time I have procrastinated with the making and starting of new years resolutions. I will be honest, part of it is because (here comes the sidetracked soliloquy) I do not believe a new year needs to pass for someone to change their life. In fact I have started some of my "resolutions" way before the new year. This brings up the important issue of life changes. A lot of people want to change but why don't they. For me the real answer lies in the fact that I'm scared. Plain scared of change it has nothing to do with anything else. I was scared that I would lose myself and lose what I have become this awesome cool dude. Recently I have discovered something about myself which compels me to change. It's heartbreaking don't continue to read if you can't handle it.

My life revolves around the constant revelations which are produced by the revision of my past. I have realized I hate who I am. I have been living in this reality where within I love who I am and there is nothing wrong with me, except for a few tiny thing, like a curse every once in a while. Just kidding, its more than that. I hate how lazy and uninspired I am to do a.lot of things, I really am driven by fear, the fear of failure. Really it has taken hold and I intend to break it. I have never been on a date, for fear of rejection. I have never tried to lose weight for fear of not being able to do it. Also for the fear of not being able to eat some of the good foods I eat now. Really I see this as a move of cowardice and I intend to.end it. I will do all that I have been afraid of doing. With my newest job I have realized that I really can succeed at what I do if I work hard. Not to sound corny but it's true. I have never really tried hard at anything in life, and I could have done so much better but alas it isn't over and I vow to try harder. So now that I have finished my soliloquy time to layout the stencil or outline for 2013

Step 1, go hard in the mutha fucking paint.

1. Actually use my workout equipment and drop to 200lbs. Only so I can return to France without being shamed.

2. Write and or read everyday because you are never to learn or express yourself through words ever.

3. Take my fucking diet seriously.

4. Step up my fashion game because hoes love a well dressed guy.

5. Move to the city. I have some financial issues which will keep me here until June but it's essentially that I leave my hometown because it is draining my soul. I have expanded beyond the limits of my town and need to live somewhere more broad that can hold my soul.

6. Don't conceive a child. Disastrous situation.

7. Take over the world.

Update 1, My Buddy The Scale

It has been sometime since I've last posted. I know its must be annoying but I am inherently lazy. If it makes you feel any better I have written a few posts in my head. I'll start my update by saying I have not weighed myself since I have started this blog. I know its terrible. But I literally find the scale to be a bully of sorts. I step on him and he makes fun of me and taunts me. "Look at you fatty you weigh this much" that is all I here when I step on him. I think it is very much human nature to avoid such conflicts as this, so I have. I do find my action, one of cowardice. So I am going to change it. When I arrive home from work I plan on stepping on that scale and taking the abuse. The abuse really isn't from anyone but myself so I need no be so afraid of it.

One interesting thing has just occured to me. I think I may be avoiding the scale to avoid the issue. You know I have been on this diet and for the most part I have been doing a completely horrible job (until fairly recently, that is) of keeping my diet in check. I have been cheating, using performance enhancing drugs (soda, fries, sweets), but very unknowingly to the public. I have been lying to them and to myself, acting as if without then I am nothing without them I cannot succeed. In reality I can. I believe that a real self investigation is helpful in a weightloss journey thus that is what I am doing.

I have come to a point in my life where I have hit Rock Bottom. This can be viewed as a melodramatic statement, but I feel it is a very appropriate one for the situation. I am fat. I am the most I have ever weighed. I now weigh 295.1 pounds. This is after I hit the lowest weight I have been in ten years. That means its the least amount of wright I have had on my body since I was 12 and five foot six inches and 245 pounds. I weighed 30 pounds less than that. Therefore I think the melodrama is appropriate  If this is not enough for me to change my ways I will never change and I will be fat for the rest of y life. I am in my 20's (23 to be exact) and I am huge. My work pants are a size 42 but my father says they are too small. I can barely wear an extra large shirt anymore. I am tired of it. It is more than thing of vanity based purely on my looks. Its one of health too. I want to be able to run and be able to live a long time. I have been having a hard time losing the weight. When I fist lost it I was in france and really was held accountable by my host mother who would ride me about my lifestyle, which was one of fast unhelathy food and overeating. One that I love so dearly. Nobody here in America really holds me accountable. They always say that I am not fat. When clearly I am. One of my friends points out that I wouldn't tell a woman that she is fat although she is, because it is rude. Personally, I feel that this is unnecessary. It gives those a false sense of security, they should be let known that they are overweight and unhealthy. Sorry to get off topic but that is why I have created this blog. To have the world hold me accountable. I know I am fat, unhealthy (yets so attractive)and I want to be held accountable. I need to change my way of living. And I intend to do just that. So join me and push me along, or watch me fail. Whichever is more fun. dobt