Update.

So I have been gone for a long time. Absent from writing because I been out here grinding. As you know I have been trying to lose weight like all great Americans in this day and age. I have been semi successful. I lost 25 pounds in three months. Good, I know. I have dropped down a pants size and have been feeling good. Feeling good for the most part. Until recently that is. I have been such bad muscle issues. My thigh slash ass slash back is killing me. They are so tight it kills to stand up straight, until they are stretched out that is. Losing weight is no easy task but it can be done. Recently, in honor of my mother I have decided to write a poem inspired by her each week for the year. I have currently written.part of one and am behind but I will go forth and execute. Never fear.

The Struggle.

<p>&lt;p&gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;Man its a struggle out here. Mentally and emotionally. I had a rough week last week. I struggled to work out. I worked out twice last week. Whereas the weeks before I was working out twice a day five days a week. I was just burnt out. You when I say burnt out I am referring to a break down of body. You see I am very out of shape. I hate stretching and I have denied my body the benefit of the stretch. I have strained my right leg muscles from the hamstring to the glutious maximus. It is painful I am hobbled. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;That minor injury that has leg has majority hobbled my spirit. Let me tell.you I was.mentally destroyed. I let myself use my temporary pain a a big struggle. It's not an unusual thing. I always take the easy way out. It's really kinda pathetic. But hey who are you to judge. You can find a point in your kufe where you were pathetic. I can guarantee it. I just happen to be more real with myself. I will say I am proud of myself. I Stopped. My downward spiral before I fell to far. I only went six days with out working out instead of three months. It happens to me all the time. I get working.out then something derails me and I can't get out of the rut. Last time my brothers who are physically superior to me, (I'm not jealous, I'm proud of them hell I treat then like cattle. Look at my little) made fun if me for working out during the summer. It made me give up. I have since then found an alternative. Revamping things. Since I have a problem with a leg I figure. I have been working it too hard so I am going to scale back the frequency of how long I work out in.one day in order to rehab. The point is not to give up but to make a change and not stray off of a path. This post was a little confusing all over the place like my brain. Get over it. Peace.

Dreams

<p>Info: this blog is not exclusively about weightloss. Obviously, because my.life and thoughts are far to.interesting to not be expressed in a public forum, which is private because not a person knows I do this.</p>
<p>Well I have always been one to have dreams. I know we all have dreams.but mine are vivid and real. Sometimes they are so real I can't distinguish if I actually did something or that my.mind did it. One of the oldest dreams I remember having is where the devil is trying to capture me. Actually, now that I'm trying to remember it, the dream isn't that vivid. I guess if I were into fads and acting like a total loser, I would say this was a fail. Unfortunately that's not me. The funny story is during that dream I felt pain and a feeling of not being able to breathe. The devil, I swear the devil was after me. This first premonition was wrong. Why? Simple, during my sleep I had somehow floated towards the wall next to my bed and placed mu head between the wall and my bed and proceeded to torture myself during sleep.</p>
<p>It funny how my mind works, or how the mind in general works. The dreams, how they manifest is interesting. I can't speak for others, but then again I can. One of my co-workers has a dream, which is reoccurring, wherein she kills her grandmother. What is her dream trying to tell her? I don't know I have to know her inner thoughts to know how her dream phase works. My dream phase works very simply. I dream about the stuff I want. For example I start developing feelings for a girl, when I dream and she appears we fuck, for lack of a more cool sounding term.

Another category of dream I have is that which in I have extreme guilt about something and my conscience without fail will give me a reminder of how much of an asshole I've been. The last time I quit a job I did it in an unfashionable way. No need to go into detail about it, for I may need that exit again in my life. A magician never never reveals his secrets.

Lastly, I have dreams of my fears. They are not nightmares because they are not scary, in a sense because they didn't happen... Yet. I sometimes feel that my dreams can predict the future. The last dream I had, was of this type. It's not something I wish to describe because it is a bit gruesome so I will try and describe it the best I can withoit killing the mood. Basically, someone who I was close with was mentally ill and didn't want to live anymore. I cannot see myself without this person. And that is scary.

Man dreams, I really don't like them. Why? Because I can't control them. They are my thoughts which cannot be controlled. My subconscience which is a place where no man should be. It contains the worst and my best thought. Well that's all my (conscious)  inner thoughts about dreams. I'm sure later on I will describe my feelings on conscienceness. We will see.

The Holidays, the worst (guilty)

When I state that the holidays are the worst I am strictly referring diets during the holidays. We all know.that everything else during the holidays are sweet. I mean presents, money, family, and of course the devils tool, food. The food that is associated with the holidays is extremely unhealthy. I'm black or African American, however you'd like to put it, and the food associated with that is greasy and fattening and if you are me, particularly good. I often find myself dreaming over that food waiting for the holidays to arrive. Not really. But when they are here I indulge, some might say over induldge. It is so very hard to resist temptation. I feel like I talk about that frequently.

Anyway, the holidays suck when trying to lose weight. I mean I am besides myself. I mean you would know why if I had the decency to update. I guess I just feel guilty because I haven't worked out in a week. Due to sickness and partying one caused by the other. This post should be titled "guilty" because obviously that's why I made it.  In 2013 I plan to write more and finish all of the updates which I have started but stop due to an extreme addiction to porn.

The Plan

Naturally, like my true self I have procrastinated on yet another thing. This time I have procrastinated with the making and starting of new years resolutions. I will be honest, part of it is because (here comes the sidetracked soliloquy) I do not believe a new year needs to pass for someone to change their life. In fact I have started some of my "resolutions" way before the new year. This brings up the important issue of life changes. A lot of people want to change but why don't they. For me the real answer lies in the fact that I'm scared. Plain scared of change it has nothing to do with anything else. I was scared that I would lose myself and lose what I have become this awesome cool dude. Recently I have discovered something about myself which compels me to change. It's heartbreaking don't continue to read if you can't handle it.

My life revolves around the constant revelations which are produced by the revision of my past. I have realized I hate who I am. I have been living in this reality where within I love who I am and there is nothing wrong with me, except for a few tiny thing, like a curse every once in a while. Just kidding, its more than that. I hate how lazy and uninspired I am to do a.lot of things, I really am driven by fear, the fear of failure. Really it has taken hold and I intend to break it. I have never been on a date, for fear of rejection. I have never tried to lose weight for fear of not being able to do it. Also for the fear of not being able to eat some of the good foods I eat now. Really I see this as a move of cowardice and I intend to.end it. I will do all that I have been afraid of doing. With my newest job I have realized that I really can succeed at what I do if I work hard. Not to sound corny but it's true. I have never really tried hard at anything in life, and I could have done so much better but alas it isn't over and I vow to try harder. So now that I have finished my soliloquy time to layout the stencil or outline for 2013

Step 1, go hard in the mutha fucking paint.

1. Actually use my workout equipment and drop to 200lbs. Only so I can return to France without being shamed.

2. Write and or read everyday because you are never to learn or express yourself through words ever.

3. Take my fucking diet seriously.

4. Step up my fashion game because hoes love a well dressed guy.

5. Move to the city. I have some financial issues which will keep me here until June but it's essentially that I leave my hometown because it is draining my soul. I have expanded beyond the limits of my town and need to live somewhere more broad that can hold my soul.

6. Don't conceive a child. Disastrous situation.

7. Take over the world.

Update 1, My Buddy The Scale

It has been sometime since I've last posted. I know its must be annoying but I am inherently lazy. If it makes you feel any better I have written a few posts in my head. I'll start my update by saying I have not weighed myself since I have started this blog. I know its terrible. But I literally find the scale to be a bully of sorts. I step on him and he makes fun of me and taunts me. "Look at you fatty you weigh this much" that is all I here when I step on him. I think it is very much human nature to avoid such conflicts as this, so I have. I do find my action, one of cowardice. So I am going to change it. When I arrive home from work I plan on stepping on that scale and taking the abuse. The abuse really isn't from anyone but myself so I need no be so afraid of it.

One interesting thing has just occured to me. I think I may be avoiding the scale to avoid the issue. You know I have been on this diet and for the most part I have been doing a completely horrible job (until fairly recently, that is) of keeping my diet in check. I have been cheating, using performance enhancing drugs (soda, fries, sweets), but very unknowingly to the public. I have been lying to them and to myself, acting as if without then I am nothing without them I cannot succeed. In reality I can. I believe that a real self investigation is helpful in a weightloss journey thus that is what I am doing.

I have come to a point in my life where I have hit Rock Bottom. This can be viewed as a melodramatic statement, but I feel it is a very appropriate one for the situation. I am fat. I am the most I have ever weighed. I now weigh 295.1 pounds. This is after I hit the lowest weight I have been in ten years. That means its the least amount of wright I have had on my body since I was 12 and five foot six inches and 245 pounds. I weighed 30 pounds less than that. Therefore I think the melodrama is appropriate  If this is not enough for me to change my ways I will never change and I will be fat for the rest of y life. I am in my 20's (23 to be exact) and I am huge. My work pants are a size 42 but my father says they are too small. I can barely wear an extra large shirt anymore. I am tired of it. It is more than thing of vanity based purely on my looks. Its one of health too. I want to be able to run and be able to live a long time. I have been having a hard time losing the weight. When I fist lost it I was in france and really was held accountable by my host mother who would ride me about my lifestyle, which was one of fast unhelathy food and overeating. One that I love so dearly. Nobody here in America really holds me accountable. They always say that I am not fat. When clearly I am. One of my friends points out that I wouldn't tell a woman that she is fat although she is, because it is rude. Personally, I feel that this is unnecessary. It gives those a false sense of security, they should be let known that they are overweight and unhealthy. Sorry to get off topic but that is why I have created this blog. To have the world hold me accountable. I know I am fat, unhealthy (yets so attractive)and I want to be held accountable. I need to change my way of living. And I intend to do just that. So join me and push me along, or watch me fail. Whichever is more fun. dobt